My Struggle with Anxiety

I've wanted to write a post about this for over a year now but I could just never bring myself to do it. I’m doing it now as more of a therapeutic way for myself to make myself feel less burdened by it. I’ve struggled with anxiety for about three years now and it is one of the most frustrating things ever. It’s isolating and feels stupid and at times absolutely ridiculous.

Honestly, maybe I’ve had anxiety all my life but just passed it off as normal nerves. But over he last few years it’s been more obviously anxiety, that panicky feeling in your gut, the stomach ache, and tension.

When I first came to terms with anxiety, I felt ridiculous. Anxiety feels ridiculous. Because sometimes you get hit with a wave of it and there’s an absolute reason why and sometimes you get hit in the face with it for no reason whatsoever. And I’ve learned that that’s ok.

But it still sucks.

It feels isolating because no one talks about it and then trying to explain it to someone that it’s not just a regular nervous feeling to someone who doesn’t get anxiety, kind of makes me feel totally lame. “Well how come they can deal with this totally insignificant thing but I can’t. Why can’t I be normal?”

Social media definitely plays a part in that. Especially instagram, it’s my favorite platform but I constantly have to remind myself that people only post what they want you to see on there and every photo is perfectly picked the portray themselves in a way that honestly can be isolating because it makes it seem that everything’s perfect when it’s not. Hell I definitely overthink my instagram wayyyyyy more than I should but it makes it seem like “well they have their life together, why don’t I?” when really do I even know that? Don’t judge a book...

I take medicine for anxiety and it’s helped a lot. Something I probably should’ve started sooner but honestly I didn't want to accept that I had anxiety because then I was just accepting I wasn’t “normal.”

I’ve started meditating. It feels ridiculous at first but I swear it helps. (Highly recommend the Calm app. It was recommended by a number of people plus my doctor and while you do pay a yearly subscription, it’s worth every penny. Also great if you have trouble falling asleep!)

I started diffusing oils on a daily basis. Something I totally thought was a gimmick (and hey it still could be but if that’s the case, the placebo effect is real.)

I often think of seeing a therapist because I’ve found that when I’m in the middle of an anxious episode (which usually just means I get so nervous that I get sick to my stomach) I feel better talking about why I’m anxious. Usually it’s to my mom who is thankfully the most patient and understanding person I know and usually I start off with “this is really stupid and I feel stupid but I got anxious over...” and tears are shed but by the end I feel better.

In fact, I started typing this all on my phone one night in the middle of being  anxiety ridden and by the time I got to this part, I felt significantly better. (The Xanax had probably kicked in by now too.)

I've found it’s all about taking steps and no step is insignificant.

Get comfortable with one remedy and then add another if you need it. You don't have to try and juggle all remedies at once.

That’s why I decided to share this. Because I know I’m not the only person who has felt isolated by anxiety. And I know I’m not the only one that has felt ashamed, or stupid, or ridiculous because of it.

Don’t be ashamed to tell your doctor you’d like to try medication because you can’t get it under control on your own.Don’t feel ridiculous because every night before bed you put a couple chamomile and lavender drops in a diffuser  because it says those are best for relaxation and calming.

Don’t feel stupid because you have to deleted the news apps off your phone because sometimes it’s just too much (our grandparents did just fine without a 24 hour news cycle.)

Don’t feel stupid because you just can’t handle social media and need to take a break from it.

Mental health is just as important as physical health and you have to take care of yourself. Even if others might think it's ridiculous because you can’t handle certain issues, trust me there’s hundreds of thousands of people who do understand. It’s just a hard thing to accept and share. But every little step you take is helping you.

I think it's worth mentioning I also have celiac disease and I learned that most stomach issues are commonly linked with anxiety. That was another reason I felt ridiculous, I could never identify if I was anxious because I was sick with an upset stomach or if or if i had an upset stomach because of my anxiety and the most comforting thing my doctor  said to me was “anxiety and stomach problems are like the chicken and the egg,  I’ll never be able to tell you definitively which causes which, they’re just connected.” That alone made my feel less like a freak because there was a while there where I thought my anxiety was making myself sick and that would lead to thoughts of “well why can’t i just get over this? just tell myself to feel better?”

I can honestly say this has been one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever written but it’s also like a weight off my shoulders. Because maybe one of you also have anxiety and you feel lonely because of it and maybe if this helps you feel a little less isolated and a little less like a freak then being vulnerable is worth it.

Its ok to have anxiety about the big things and the small things.

It’s also ok to ask for help.

Because anxiety is a bitch and you’re not expected to just suck it up and deal with it.

There is no shame in learning to love yourself and getting help along the way.